An Unpopular Rant

I noticed my last post was in March.  Ugh.  Sorry about that.  It's been a rough few months, and though the desire was there, the making of time was not.  Hopefully I'll get back here on a more regular basis.

Of course, if I am lambasted and made a social outcast by this post, maybe not ...

Disclaimer:  I think that parental leave is a very important issue, and that it's clear the U.S. needs to get their act together - and I think fathers need as much access to it as mothers do.

Having said that, I think that employers also need to determine how to deal with the work not being done while someone is on maternity leave.

Of the seven times I've been working with someone who has taken maternity leave, there has been only one time when that person came back to work full-time after the official leave time was up.  The others either quit over the phone the day before they were supposed to return (for real - they were able to get the full benefit), or extended their leaves indefinitely, right before or after returning to work.

As someone who has taken up to eight weeks for medical leave, I fully understand that it's inconvenient for co-workers and employers.  Either the work doesn't get done at all, because you are the only one who knows your position (my case), or someone else has to do their work and yours for the time period when you are out.

Currently though, there is a situation at work that is making my days miserable.  One of my co-workers took maternity leave beginning on December 5, 2016.  She was due to be back on March 6, 2017.  During the time she was gone, I was told (not asked, not suggested) that I would be doing her job as well as mine (which is already a job that four people used to do).  No extra pay, of course.

In the spirit of being supportive, and knowing that people had to deal with me being out on medical leave a few years back, I did my very best between December and March.  I was not allowed to take any days off that were not already scheduled, which was a pain, and when I broke my ankle and DARED to be out for two days, I was reminded of the importance of being at work.  Blah blah blah.

March 6 arrived, and the co-worker returned.  At a departmental staff meeting on March 8, it was announced that the co-worker missed her baby too much and didn't want to put him in day care all of the time, so she would be coming in for 1-2 days a week "indefinitely."  She is still considered full-time and being paid and getting benefits as such.  Nice work if you can get it, if you ask me.

I then asked our boss (privately) what this meant for my workload, and it was like I was speaking Ubangi or something.  What did I mean?  Of course I would keep doing her work, she is at home with a baby!  She will be "working from home" a lot and "checking in."  (She is a person who deals with the public all day, every day, btw.)  They can't afford to hire someone to fill in for her, and don't have any extra funding anyway.  So I will be continuing in the current situation "indefinitely."

When I was on medical leave, I did not receive any pay or benefits, so went back to work as soon as it was at all possible, and was not given a part-time option.  I completely understand that my co-worker finds it hard to leave her baby, I'm sure it is.  I'm sure she is also exhausted a lot of the time.  I know her life has changed dramatically.

But again, I'm stuck.  And frankly, I'm annoyed about it.  HR says it's not an "HR issue," and even a friend of mine said that I should not be complaining because someone was extending *maternity* leave!  Because, as I'm told whenever a co-worker with kids gets time off and I don't, "I don't have a family, and they do."  (Apparently The Tim and the kit kats are bogus family.)

Employers need to realize that maternity/paternity leave is essential for the employees directly involved, but also for those picking up for them as well.  I am barely able to complete any of my work, and I refuse to start working longer hours because of this.

OK, I may have lost a lot of you here, and if so, I'm sorry.  But it's unfair, and frankly I'm royally sick of it.

If you are still here, thanks for reading to the end, regardless of your feelings.  I'll try harder next time to post something less bitchy.  :-)

International Women's Day

Today, I went to work.  Because I don't have any extra days to take off, and couldn't have taken off today anyway, because of our work situation.  I had intended to wear red, but was in walking zombie mode when getting dressed this morning, and completely forgot.  Oh well, at least I  had a red bracelet on ...

BUT - I have a job, even if it is one with issues.  I get a paycheck once a month, and since my husband is also employed, I get decent health insurance through his work.  I actually am lucky enough to have that choice.

Not every woman has anything close to that, and yet there were still people who asked, "Well then, when is International Men's Day?" (My response would be every day, but maybe that's just me.)

We are living in a tenuous time, when poor women are being even more and more marginalized.*  Many of those that write the laws and pass those same laws are anxious to put the poor in their place, to stop them from being so lazy, or from playing the system.  

Women are just so often not seen as that important or as useful, especially once they have provided children (preferably male, to "carry on the name"), and when they stand up for themselves, the criticism is rampant.

You know what?  There are some women who are lazy. There are some women who try to play the system.   There are some women who are only ever looking out for themselves.

Just like some men - wait, WHAT???!!!

I hope enough people of every race, gender, and persuasion will keep fighting and keep annoying those in power. 

*as are men and children, but I am focusing on International Women's Day here.

********

On a kinda/sorta/maybe-not-really-related note, the other day, an acquaintance of mine who is about a year older than I am, was telling me how she found a great pair of new jeans over the weekend, and was going to wear them out to dinner with her friends this week.  She posted a picture of herself and her friends on Instagram, and her new (and might I add expensive) jeans, were the kind that are ripped and torn.  When she asked me if I'd seen it and I said yes, she asked me what I thought of the jeans.  I said they looked fine (and they did, she looked nice enough).  She asked me why I never wear ripped jeans, since they are in style.  

And I had to tell her that she will likely never see me in ripped jeans, if I can help it.  And though she assumed it was because I thought I was too old to wear them, that's not really the reason.

When I was growing up, we were poor.  As in, really poor.  But my parents always took pride in the fact that we were always clean, and that our clothes were always not just clean but presentable in spite of circumstances.  People who wore ripped clothing back then were poor people, and my parents always said that just because we *were* poor, we didn't have to *look* poor.  Our clothes were mended if they ripped or torn.

So even though I know that things are different today, there is still a huge disconnect for me.  

As in, these women are poor:

But these women are stylish:

And they are all wearing ripped jeans ...

Nope, I can't.  

Things I've Learned That I Already Knew

At my appt with the orthopedic dr on February 10, she said that things were healing nicely, and that I could start using one crutch instead of two.  She also told me that she would see me in another month, and hopefully then I can get rid of the cast.  This is all good news, and I'm grateful for any and all of it.

But thinking about it, I realized that having the cast and the crutches and the limited mobility has taught me things that I already knew, but they are invaluable reminders.  I'm sharing some of them here, so that all of us can consider things in our own lives that fall into that category.

I am the luckiest person in the world.  At some point, my cast will come off, and I will be able to move around in my usual way, with no limitations but my own, related to age, physical condition, etc.  Some people never ever ever have that luxury as a possibility in their lives.

Multitasking is not a necessary (or maybe even preferable) way to live your life.  I've pretty much been limited to doing one thing at a time lately.  Oh sure, I can knit and watch TV, and those kind of simple and usual things.  But I have been reminded that I can do one thing at a time and then move on to another thing and a) they both get done, and b) the world continues.

Slowing down makes life better.  Not that I live a fast-paced, jet-setting life, but like most people, I try to get as much done on any given day as possible (with occasional do-nothing at all days).  Well, during these last few weeks, I haven't been able to easily move around, even in the house (maybe even especially in the house - all those stairs!), and I find that I am able to be more mindful, as well as more appreciative of time and place.  And at least in my case, slowing down has not had a negative effect on anything I usually try to accomplish quickly.

Time spent reading, knitting, or whatever is never wasted time.   Do not feel guilty for doing things that you enjoy, that help you relax, or that mean something to you.  Again, the world continued.

Asking for/accepting help is not a bad thing, and can even make other people feel better.  I generally feel that if I *can* do something myself, that I should.  But there have been a lot of things I have not been able to do myself, and though at first I felt bad or hesitant, I have now realized that people want to help, and often don't know how.  And if/when you accept their offers of help, you make them feel that they are really doing good.

Self-pity is very seldom helpful.  Years ago - actually as a teenager, I think - I started to allow myself one day where I could wallow in self-pity, for whatever reason (and God knows as a teenager, there are SO. MANY. THINGS).  Whether it meant staying in my pjs in my room all day, or having a major crying jag, or just mentally listing all of the ways in which the world was against me, I'd pile it all into that one day.   Then I would move on for a while.  I still do this, though getting older mean it doesn't happen as often.  But I have been reminded lately that the only person who cares about your self-pity is yourself.  And in the end, you haven't really gotten anything out of it.

Shoes are awesome.  Being able to get up every day and put on any pair of shoes you want to, is the best.

What about you?  Do you have any lessons you've learned recently that you already knew?

Then There's This

I have a question for you:  Do you remember when people would find out they were going to have a baby, and then when you talked to them, they would say, "Guess what? We're going to have baby!" and then you would congratulate them?  Or if you didn't know them well, they might drop you a note, or you'd hear it from a friend, and think that was nice?

Those were the days, no?

Last week, when Beyonce* announced she was having twins, there was an entire photo shoot, with people acting like she was the first person to ever have a baby, much less twins.  Now having a baby seems to call for entire production numbers.  And then there are the ever-popular "gender reveal" parties - where the couple gets the gender of the upcoming baby from their doctor, give it to a bakery without looking at it themselves, and then invite their friends, cut into the cake, and it's either pink or blue!

And angels rejoice, of course.

You may have guessed I find these things tiresome.  And you'd be correct.  And lest you think it's because I'm becoming a grumpy old woman, I feel I should tell you that this kind of stuff has always annoyed me.  I am all for people sharing their good news, but give me a break.

There is a knit blogger that I also follow on Instagram, and last year, one day she posted a picture of baby feet wearing handknit booties.  The caption said something like, "I had a baby a couple of weeks ago, and we are all doing fine.  It was hard not to talk about it all the time, but I decided to wait until it actually happened."  People left comments that made it sound like she had stolen money from them or something.  I congratulated her and said I admired her decision to do things the way she wanted to do them.

Then there is this article that I read last summer, and thought "Wow."  Good for her.

I realize I'm probably in the minority here, but then again, I usually am ...

*I am so not a fan of Beyonce, but I would have been just as annoyed if it had been someone I really like, trust me!

I Really Don't Mean to Be Contrarian, But It Seems to Just Happen

Hello, and before we go any further, Happy New Year!  I've been dealing with the cold/crud/whatever that is going around, and though I've been reading the blogs I enjoy, and occasionally commenting, I've usually felt too out of it to post much myself.  But here I am, and I hope that so far, 2017 is treating you well.

I decided to write this post, because not feeling well usually makes me even crankier than I usually am.  Now let me start by saying I was an old-person crank even as a teenager.  So it's not like being sick or getting older has suddenly turned me into one.  But sometimes it's just worse than others.  And various things can trigger a particular bout of the cranks, so you cannot always predict when it might happen.

A lot of the time, my crankiness is due to feeling quite differently about things that others assume I like because I fall into a certain group or type.  Now sometimes I agree, and it's no big deal.  I can appreciate the Cat Lady things, and find them amusing, because I see a lot of myself in them.  And though I don't feel I'm as squirrely as the typical Librarian stereotype, there's a lot in that concept that reflects my personality (i.e., I wish I could get people to just shut up about 99% of the time).  I have even been known to point out to others that I am a potentially perfect combination of what others may find to be a frightening concept:  I am a librarian.  I wear glasses.  I have lots of cats.  I like to knit.  I'm guessing for a lot of people, this is what they see:

But you know, with cats everywhere, and knitting stuff on the desk as well.

Lately though, I'm getting annoyed, cranky, and even offended by things that everyone else is embracing.  This is not unusual, and to be 100% honest, I really and truly do not care if others are amused, thrilled, inspired, or whatever by these things.  I just wish they would not assume that I am.

Case in Point #1:

a. I am a breast cancer survivor.  This apparently makes the majority of people I know think that I am completely inspired by things like women who have had mastectomies getting large tattoos where there breasts used to be and then posing for photos to prove their strength.  I'm not inspired.  I say, good for them, do what makes you feel the best and that you are reclaiming your existence.  But I don't really care, and frankly I don't really want to see it.  

b. I am also annoyed by things that are meant to be amusing about "boobies" (which except for the word when it refers to a bird, I think should be banned from the English language).  I am not amused by "Boobie" scarves, hats, blankets, whatevers.  Do a quick Ravelry search on the word - ugh.  I find it to be demeaning, frankly.  But an awful lot of people I know think it's adorable, hysterical, empowering, and will create world peace (OK maybe not that last one).  Fine.  Just do not assume I'm on board.

Case in Point #2 and the current reason I am feeling contrary:

Pussy Hats.  I get it.  I appreciate the point attempting to be made and why.  I really do.  But I am one of those people who truly believes that the word should only ever be used to talk about felines, aka pussy cats.  Part of it is my age, my upbringing, and my own personal idiosyncratic belief system and personal rules.  I am perfectly fine with people who are embracing the idea, and making hats, wearing hats, and are 100% on board.   I am not. 

Don't get me wrong.  I plan to participate in the Women's March here in Philadelphia.  I have no confidence in, or respect for, our incoming administration, and though it isn't much, I feel my participation will at least be something I can actively do.  If I have the yarn (I have no pink yarn, but some reds), the time, or the inclination to knit anything, I'll knit a Resist Hat, which to me is more relevant, something I can see wearing more than just one day, and whose message is more in line with my concept of why I'm even bothering to join the others.  

Again, to each their own.  I'm just not interested in that part of that particular bandwagon.

And then, on a much smaller scale, Case in Point #3:

This is so minimal, it's not even worth mentioning, and yet I am.  (Being contrary again, you see!)  Apparently there is a big recall of Hostess Twinkies.  I have never been a fan of Hostess Twinkies, though admittedly, I can plow through Hostess Cupcakes in record time.  Currently I live in Philadelphia, home of Tastykakes:

Let me assure you, Philadelphians take their Tastykakes VERY SERIOUSLY.  I learned that when I first moved here, and happened to mention that I liked Hostess Cupcakes better.  The horror!  

The truth is, at this point, I think it's been years since I've had a Hostess Cupcake.  And I do like the KandyKake flavor of Tastykake (peanut butter and chocolate), so I'm not a complete barbarian.  But frankly, if I hear one more person around me talk excitedly about how Twinkies have been recalled, but Tastykakes never have been and that is why they are so superior, I may have to go into the fetal position for several hours.

Clearly, I just need to stay in my house and never engage with the world ... ;-)

The Problem with The Pretty Girls

If you have been paying attention to the news during the past week or so, you have probably seen/heard reports about signs hanging at fraternity houses, dorms, or off-campus houses of male college students, saying things like "Drop off your daughter here - Mom can come too!" or "Daughter Day Care."

Haha.  Soooo funny.  Except they are not.  They are at best rude, and at worst, misogynistic.

Several colleges have taken actions to suspend groups whose signs have appeared on campus.  Each group has SWORN they meant nothing bad, they were "just having fun."

And you know how it is - boys will be boys, right?  (Don't EVEN get me started on that phrase/belief/cultural practice!)

It's all bad enough before The Pretty Girls even get involved.  I'm sure we all know/have known at least one person who was one of The Pretty Girls.  They are the girls who are nice looking, with nice clothes who love to have a good time.  They like to go along with all the fun things at parties, they love to be seen at all the right places on campus, with the right crowd.  They are often nice enough, and friendly enough.  They are not necessarily academically stellar, but not necessarily on the verge of flunking out either.  Their mothers are often former Pretty Girls, or Pretty Girl wannabes.  Their siblings are often other Pretty Girls or Cool Guys.  If they are not , they are usually not spoken of much at all.

In and of themselves, The Pretty Girls can be harmless.   But this week, I saw two different news reports where reporters asked one or more of The Pretty Girls what they thought about those offensive signs.  To a person, they laughed and said things like, "Oh I thought it was funny," "They were just joking," "It is college, you know."  And worst of all, a local news reporter and obvious former Pretty Girl even said after the report, "Well, it was just the guys having fun, you just always need to let your daughters know there is a fine line," and happily laughed it off.

But see, here is the problem. For whatever reason, too many males (college-age and otherwise) think this kind of thing is really funny.  I am willing to bet that at least half of them have never even thought about it NOT being funny.  And as long as The Pretty Girls think it's cute or funny or "just college," there are no reasons for males to think otherwise.  Because, you know if "ugly" girls (read: average-looking) think it's offensive it's probably because they are jealous of the attention.

As someone who was never even eligible to be one of The Pretty Girls (and full disclosure here - never wanted to be one), I'm here to say that it is extremely offensive and at a minimum also quite intimidating to see those kinds of signs.  Anywhere. Any time.

College or high school or heck, even just everyday life, is hard enough without someone joking about what could happen to you just because you are female.  I was lucky in high school - I got fairly good grades and The Pretty Girls were often nice to me ... at least until they realized I wouldn't do their work for them. So I managed to be a bit more invisible, since it was a large school.  In college, it was worse because I went to a small college and there were a lot of well-to-do boys-will-be-boys-ha-ha types and a lot of The Pretty Girls.  I seldom went to school social events, partly because I had two jobs and partly because I didn't even want to see what happened or could happen, whether it was to me or to anyone else.

I am a feminist.  I do not hate men.  I have a really good sense of humor.  I am highly cynical.  I would like to think I am also very empathetic.  I am a regular-looking person, and always have been.  (Granted, now as an older adult woman, I am truly invisible, which is a whole 'nother kind of post here.)

I do think that most parents try to raise their children well, and to be good people.  And I do think that a lot of people who have sons are trying VERY hard in this day and age to make those sons aware of the responsibilities that go with their gender.  I think that a lot of people who have daughters do the same.  In a perfect world, no one would have to even know how The Pretty Girls felt about things, because those things would not be issues in the first place.

But at this point in time, the world is not perfect.  Signs hang at college dorms on move-in day that should never hang anywhere, and The Pretty Girls are happy to laugh it off.

And - as far as I'm concerned - *that* is the problem with The Pretty Girls.

This Bothers Me

I was trolling around on Facebook earlier today, and saw that someone had posted about this article.  Commenters were decrying the fact that women are judged on their appearances, forced to get Botox, etc.  I'm sure you can fill in the blanks here and guess what was said.

Meh.  And not just because I'm not a fan of Jennifer Weiner.

I am tired of people complaining that they are slaves to fashion, beauty, etc., and that these days social media makes things worse, and puts more pressure on all of us as women.

Because I'm sorry, but if you are allowing everything and everyone else to determine how you live/dress/act/whatever, outside influences are not at fault - you are.  When did people lose their autonomy over their own lives?  When did they actively decide that what others think or look like is the most important?

Now, I realize that this kind of thing has been happening one way or another since the dawn of time.  And I realize that peer pressure is hard for a lot of people to resist.  And that many people with children encourage their children to look good, pointing out those who don't.  And on and on.

I think like most other things in life, this is a case of choosing your battles - what is important to you? - and moving on.

Take me, for example.  I can remember very clearly during 5th grade, when a couple of my friends became obsessed with having a boyfriend.  They were newly busy fixing their hair, acting flirty, and who knows what else.  I did not understand this at all, and remember asking my mother if I should be doing the same thing.  She responded that it was up to me what I decided to do.  Since I was about as interested in having a boyfriend as I was in eating bugs, I decided to just forget about the whole issue.  I was still puzzled by my friends, but we all still got along just fine (though lots of times I thought they were acting stupid.  I wisely kept that opinion to myself.  Mainly because no one asked me).

And a version of that has continued, even to the present day.  We are bombarded with images and text every day, even to the point of telling us what we should be wearing in our 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond.  I'll admit that every once in a while, I'll see someone who is probably around my age, and for a moment, wonder if I am dressing/trying to look younger than I should for my age.

Then the moment passes.

I like to look nice.  I will admit that I love makeup, clothes, shoes, jewelry, and plenty of other "girly" things.  I color my hair.  I wear makeup.  I try to keep my nails neat and clean, even if not polished.  I am probably slightly overweight, and I try to dress in a way as to not accentuate it.  I make an effort (granted a minimal one) when I am getting dressed to go out to look as nice and presentable as possible.  99% of the time, no one seems to notice - at least, if they do, they don't comment on it, one way or the other.

I have no desire for Botox or any of the other things like that.  I do not get my teeth whitened, I do not use the at-home whiteners.  I am not interested in plastic surgery at all.  I do not have tattooed-on eyebrows, or permanent eyeliner.  I know tons of people who do this, and other things which I find useless, and in my opinion are stupid.  But unless asked, it would never occur to me to comment on it unless someone asked me outright.

Maybe my perspective is unusual, but I hope not.  I just wish people would come out and say that what they decided to do or not do is their own decision, not try to opt out by claiming that it's all society's fault.  Few of us are doing anything because someone is absolutely forcing us.  Unless you live in certain areas of the world, your choices are all your own.

Just admit it, people.  And let's move on.